Dealing with bullying behaviour ‘lies with all of us’

As anti-bullying week takes place this month, Jackie Macadam learns more about the work of Place for Hope.

“ In a way bullying behaviour is a thief – of our confidence, of our value as human beings and beloved children of God, of our self-respect, of our ability to contribute and flourish in the way God would wish us to.

“BULLYING is an insidious thing – that not only undermines individuals on the receiving end of such behaviour but also to the culture in which the bullying takes place – whether that be in a family, school, workplace, church, or other settings in which our relationships exist.”

Carolyn Merry is the Director of Place for Hope, the faith-based organisation that help individuals and organisations tackle conflict in a constructive and respectful way, especially faith communities. Funded in part by the Church of Scotland, Place for Hope is unique in that its work is completely rooted in and guided by faith. Carolyn is talking to us about the profound damage bullying can have to individuals as well as organisations.

“In a way bullying behaviour is a thief – of our confidence, of our value as human beings and beloved children of God, of our self-respect, of our ability to contribute and flourish in the way God would wish us to.”

“The Church defines bullying as ‘Bullying” shall mean a course of conduct (ie conduct which occurs on at least two occasions) amounting to offensive, threatening, abusive, malicious, intimidating or insulting behaviour that may be abuse or misuse of power, position or knowledge through means that undermine, humiliate, denigrate or injure the person concerned and which is behaviour occurring in circumstances where it would appear to a reasonable individual that it would amount to bullying of that person. (General Assembly 2018 – Remits Booklet).

“The definition that the Church of Scotland also draws upon comes from respectme, Scotland’s Anti-Bullying Service:

“Bullying is both behaviour and impact; the impact is on a person’s capacity to feel in control of themselves. This is what we term as their sense of ‘agency’. Bullying takes place in the context of relationships; it is behaviour that can make people feel hurt, threatened, frightened and left out. This behaviour happens face to face and online.”

Carolyn explains: “The Church is, of course, not immune from bullying behaviour. Indeed, such behaviour is often more prevalent in our churches that we would like to admit. Place for Hope works with many denominations on issues of bullying as part of the cultural shifts being sought by denominational partners. The cost of bullying in the context of churches cannot just be measured in individual terms, or financial in terms of sick leave, compensation etc, but in the impact it has on the mission, ministry, and witness of the Church as a reconciling presence in the world.”

Bullying can come in a range of forms, but are almost always a ‘power-play’, with one person or group being on the receiving end of unwanted, aggressive or unreasonable behaviour from those in a position of power.

“Bullying behaviour is not usually a ‘one off’ and is related to power and utilising power negatively against another,” says Carolyn. “In church settings, there are contributing factors that provide an enabling environment for power to be expressed as bullying behaviour – factors such as those related to church structures, spiritual authority and the importance of spiritual identity, or roles that enable us to exercise power that we don’t have in other areas of our lives (sometimes without accountability).

“In church settings, it is therefore important to not just look at the individual displaying the bullying behaviour but the context in which it occurs. To understand the prevalence of bullying in churches, we must look at the culture that doesn’t challenge the behaviour which often occurs in front of others and is enabled by our silence when we witness such behaviour going on.

“The onus should be on all of us to create a culture that challenges bullying behaviour when it first arises.

“Individuals, (and I would say for all Church leaders as well) it helps to learn more about bullying and be able to recognise what bullying might look like and how it can impact individuals and the church. That way, people can more quickly recognise when behaviour is starting to feel/look like bullying and may then feel more confident to take steps to address that behaviour early.

“In terms of prevention the most proactive thing that churches can do is to develop a code of conduct/ways of working, which allows discussion and agreement on how we want to behave with one another. This not only provides a great opportunity for people to openly discuss the positive ways that they wish to behave with one another, but also name the opposite of the behaviours they no longer want to see. Critical to the code of conduct/ ways of working being useful is agreeing collectively how they will be used when one or more people are not behaving in accord with them, so that bullying behaviour is not left unchallenged.”

And that is where Place for Hope can be invited in to help people resolve a situation.

“Though we don’t get involved if formal proceedings have already started, Place for Hope can be involved in a number of ways when bullying behaviour occurs. We can be involved through facilitated conversation, in which our practitioners provide a space for the parties to discuss what has been happening, understand the impact it has had and look at what steps could be taken going forward to repair/improve things. We also provide individual conflict coaching to help individuals (often leaders) in situations where bullying has taken place to work through what would be helpful next for all the parties involved (including the wider church). In addition, more and more churches and indeed, whole denominations have partnered with Place for Hope to provide training for ordained and lay personnel on this topic. Place for Hope has a stand-alone course on Responding to Bullying and Harassment (sometimes called Responding to Challenging Behaviour). This course is run online several times a year and can be accessed free for anyone in the Church of Scotland.

“Our trained facilitators have four main options when they want to help an individual or an organisation.

“The first is offering facilitated conversations by supporting hosting important or potentially difficult conversations

“We work with large and small groups to enable more open dialogue around important or potentially difficult subjects. This could be helping to prepare for a forthcoming change or discussing a sensitive matter. The goal is to explore the topic in a way that remains respectful and productive.

The second is help in a crisis by accompanying people struggling with difference or conflict.

“We help large and small groups work through difficult situations – including times of transition and conflict. In this work we create space for healthy, inclusive conversations. Our aim is to support people as they work towards the best possible outcome in a manner that can help restore, preserve or deepen relationships and this is a technique which has been useful when helping two congregations come together after a union, for instance. Feelings and emotions can be running high, and it can be, for many in both congregations, a difficult time.

“The third is conflict coaching, offering Individual coaching for those in positions of responsibility.

“In times of change or conflict, we know that leaders can feel isolated or overwhelmed. We offer tailored one-toone conflict coaching to accompany those in positions of responsibility who would appreciate a sounding board and support.

“Finally we offer training designed to empower and equip people within faith communities to be peacemakers.

“We believe that everyone has within them the gifts to bring a spirit of reconciliation to others. We want our training programmes to support you on this journey, by equipping more people to recognise, understand and navigate conflict well.”

If someone thinks or feels that they are being bullied, what steps can they take?

Carolyn says there is no one answer to that, in the same way there is no one ‘victim’ profile.

“It depends very much on the individual situation and how much impact the behaviour has already had on the person who feels bullied,” she says.

“If an individual has participated in training on responding to bullying and harassment, they may be able to recognise bullying behaviour early. This is always helpful before the impact of bullying behaviour can escalate further.

“At the stage of recognition of the behaviour, we encourage people not to face it alone – as bullying behaviour can often make us feel very isolated. It is often helpful to seek the support and advice of others. This may lead to a direct conversation with the person displaying that behaviour (preferably with the support of another) if the person feels able. It is also very important to utilise the internal channels of support and reporting that the Church of Scotland offers, whether it be through safeguarding co-ordinator or your line manager.

“Remember though, that the onus of dealing with bullying behaviour lies with all of us, not just the person on the receiving end of the behaviour,” she adds. ¤