Bewilderingly varied

The Rev Dr Marjory MacLean reflects on the gifts of ministry.

QUESTION: What do the following activities have in common: (1) firing yourself feet first into a tiny bunk space above your head in a Type 22 Royal Navy frigate; (2) force-feeding some students with communion elements disguised as bread-and-butter pudding; (3) defusing a black pudding on the fourth floor of 121 George Street; and (4) changing the shape of a church cupboard to avoid disturbing a medieval wall?

Answer – They are all actions taken by a Church of Scotland minister whilst thinking ‘New College did not prepare me for this’. To be more precise, they are all actions taken by this particular Church of Scotland minister, and they are all described – along with dozens of other misadventures – in a new book called Oh All Right Then, now available on Amazon (as a kindle edition or paperback).

But why?, the Editor has asked me. About a year ago, our colleagues who help people through the discernment process for our various ministries sent me someone on placement; and along with her paperwork I was sent the reading list she had received. It is no-one’s fault in 121, but the list was quite heavy on material from England and America, with very little that was addressed to those thinking about ministry and calling in the Church of Scotland. I thought, ‘Something must be done.’

Well, Church of Scotland ministers can be arranged along a sort of spectrum of tidy-ness. At one end are the really tidy ones, who find their ‘thing’ and stick to it, serving perhaps as parish ministers for their whole working lives, or shaping their ministry entirely within some specialist form of chaplaincy. At the other end of the spectrum are the really untidy ones; we bounce about amongst many kinds of service across the length of our ministry. We’re somewhere between pinballs in a machine and Swiss Army knives, trying our hands at all sorts of tasks and not knowing quite what we’ll be doing next.

“ We’re somewhere between pinballs in a machine and Swiss Army knives, trying our hands at all sorts of tasks and not knowing quite what we’ll be doing next.

As one of those untidy ministers, with a pretty jumbled CV (curriculum vitae) after my first 33 years in the role, it occurred to me that I might be able to offer to those candidates something that would demonstrate the attraction of ministry, its variety, the fascinating possibilities of it, and not least its tendency to the bizarre and embarrassing from time to time. The embarrassing bits are normally selfinflicted, of course. Having to be rescued from a parade ground by a Monsignor to spare a Marine drill sergeant the frustration of trying to teach me to turn left without falling over; thinking that a coffin was talking to me; accidentally turning a colleague’s preaching of a sermon into a skit worthy of Gerard Hoffnung: if you can get something wrong, I have done so.

So this little book will guide you round some holy howlers, and round some weird corners of our nation and world. And of course, as I hope you’d expect, it does it with a serious underlying purpose, or rather two.

As a Church we are investing in recruitment to our ministries, and the enthusiasm and passion shown by Martin (Fair) and Eleanor (McMahon), Heather (French) and Angie (McNabb) are highly infectious. They can best do their job if those of us in ministry support them with our enthusiasm, our passion, too. And nothing that is happening in our Church – not the adjustment of charges, not the squeezing of resources – nothing can stop ministry being the greatest privilege a Christian can discover. And if the fact that ministry is bewilderingly varied (and at times just laugh-out-loud bonkers) helps to catch the attention of those who need to think of the possibility of ordination in God’s plan for them, well and good.

Between the daft stories lies quite a bit of more serious reflection. Towards the beginning I try to describe ministry, and I suggest three things that underlie the list of tasks you might have expected me to produce. First, loving the people you are given to serve. Second, praying. Third, treating the people you are given to love as being people with immortal souls – for how often does anyone treat us like that anywhere else these days? The preaching and teaching, the visiting and weddings and funerals, the meetings and e-mails and church law, are all the specifics expressing those deeper purposes that create that sense of privilege.

And then towards the end I have a bash at suggesting the ways in which a future minister might prepare for the task. That includes finding the highest possible selfknowledge, developing a lively sense of what in ministry will bring out one’s best and give most satisfaction, and growing the kind of sustaining spiritual discipline that our congregations assume, or at least hope, comes naturally to us. I hope those reflections might help those who wonder about their own calling, and indeed those whose job might be to suggest it to someone they love and admire.

I said the book has two purposes. On October 1 this year the parishes in Orkney smashed the world record for the number of congregations stuffed into a single union – when all the dust has settled we think we’ll end up with 19 together. (Thank you, we think it’s amazing too. And it’s more than Shetland did, so there.) £2 from the royalties of every volume sold will be donated to the funds of the new ‘Orkney Islands Church of Scotland’ charge. So it’s hoped that throughout the country, grateful Church members will realise that we’ve provided this year’s answer to the problem of what to buy as a Christmas present for the tricky family member who doesn’t appear to need anything – but goes to church!

And in any case, who wouldn’t want to know what to do when you’re phoned by a consultant archaeologist you didn’t know you even had, or how to react when you’re given 24 hours’ notice of the arrival of the fire brigade? ¤

Oh All Right Then is available from Amazon Kindle for £7.99 and paperback for £12.95 with £2 donated to support the work of the new Orkney Islands Church of Scotland.