Being Mum

Jackie Macadam reflects on the gifts – and challenges – of motherhood as Mothering Sunday approaches this month.

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” – Elizabeth Stone, author and educator.

MOTHERS come in all sizes, shapes, colours and outlooks. Most women find motherhood to be an experience like no other – intensely emotional, bewildering yet fulfilling, and in some ways utterly wonderful. Many women would not hesitate to lay down their life for their child.

For others, the experience is frightening, frustrating, medically perilous and sometimes mentally exhausting.

Some children grow up with wonderful memories of a woman who loved them unconditionally; others think of a relative stranger who never knew quite how to connect with their child.

Different women offer different perspectives of motherhood and the results show the many ways a Mother’s love is expressed.

Rae Lind, National Convenor of the Church of Scotland Guild, described her mother as a woman of the ‘war’ generation.

“My mother was born in 1923, the oldest of four siblings. The one word which best describes her, on every level, is “stoical” – in her approach to health, work, and faith. As for the latter, she would never have been at ease articulating her faith in a public Act of Worship. Hers was the kind of faith that was lived out with integrity. That said, she never passed up an opportunity in general conversation to speak a word for Christ with a confidence which sometimes bordered on forthrightness.

“ Loving and fiercely loyal to her children and siblings her creative, resourceful, and industrious attitude permeated all her activities.

“Her industrious nature was rooted in her family’s long tradition of producing hard and honest work. Idleness was frowned upon. The daily routine endorsed the sentiment of leaving no time for selfindulgence/pity. Her own ambitions were sublimated by family commitments. An episode of ill health in her youth denied her the opportunity for tertiary education despite being School Dux. Blessed with a quick and clever mind, she had a great grasp of the English language and won many prizes for her essays. This gift allowed her to be a good raconteur, exciting her listeners in social gatherings with her amazing word pictures.

“She was fun-loving, wise, and of an independent mind. Her share of responsibilities in the family business matured her beyond her years, developing in her the decisiveness which would bring her success in the various jobs she had in life. Whist living at home during the war she worked ‘on the land’, being given no concessions for frosty weather when the spade would not penetrate the ground. This was the cause of a life-long back problem for which she had many treatments, including, I recall, the ‘old wives’’ remedy of having her back ironed, with brown paper shielding her from the heat of the iron.

“At the age of only sixteen, she was given the responsibility of running her father’s drapery business and acting as his buyer by going to the warehouses in Glasgow purchasing alternative goods if the required ones were unavailable. This entrepreneurial trait stood her in good stead when she had to support her two daughters, first by being a sales assistant in an exclusive ladies’ shop in Glasgow. Her honest direct attitude gained the shop regular customers who relied on her judgment.

“After some years she changed her job to the now obsolete one of School Attendance Officer. As it was before the rise of social work my mother had great compassion for deprived children causing her to collect clothes to distribute in the evening outwith her working hours.

“Music was a passion of hers which led to her occasionally stewarding at Scottish National Orchestra concerts in the Glasgow City Halls. Loving and fiercely loyal to her children and siblings her creative, resourceful, and industrious attitude permeated all her activities.

“Her sense of fun was infectious and so our house was always full of laughter. She was the much-loved and adventurous aunt who accompanied her young nephews and nieces on the Big Dipper. Her fearlessness and strong sense of bravado drove her to try any medication with abandon. Her longstanding favourites, Olbas oil and Askit powders, helped sustain her until her death at the great age of 94.

“Her unswerving faith in God and in His purposes and provision remained to the last.”

For women of Rae’s mother’s generation, there was very much an expectation to soldier on. There was no NHS until the 1940s and any medical treatments came out of the wages of the breadwinner.

So women were obliged to make do, to get on with it, even if they really needed medical help. I know. I was one of these women, thankfully many years later.

When I became a mother, I was delighted with my new baby. The pregnancy had been straightforward, the birth uneventful. I had good support at home and from my family. But one afternoon, about eight months after my son was born (these were the days when you got six months of maternity leave), I found myself sitting in the office and having the strangest sensation. I felt like I was in some kind of sit-com. I thought that the people around me were actors; we all had lines to say, and I knew what was going to happen next. I remember laughing out loud at the sheer absurdity of the situation. I seemed to be living inside my own TV show. On some level I knew something was badly wrong, left early, and called the doctor when I got home. I got an appointment and was diagnosed with postnatal depression. I was beginning to come unstuck from reality. Some counselling and some medication helped me get through it, but it had crept up so slowly that until the situation became too obvious to push away, I really didn’t know anything was wrong.

Ruth McKeown, Senior Counsellor with CrossReach’s Peri and Post Natal Service, Bluebell, explained that my experience was a familiar story.

“Your experience is very common, in fact it is estimated that one in five women and one in 10 men will experience some sort of perinatal mood disorder after the birth of their child. For some it presents as anxiety, a feeling that something bad is going to happen to their baby. Racing thoughts, struggling to relax and switch off. For a few, it can be extreme with suicidal or intrusive thoughts dominating their thinking. The shame and fear that still exists around mental health stops people from reaching out for help.

“ Yes, being a parent is wonderful, but it is also scary, and exhausting and no amount of preparation ever fully equips you for the reality of it.

“My own experience was one of depression, like a dark heavy cloud descending on me that sucked out all the joy. My son was 18 months when my daughter was born. It was a low risk pregnancy and a quick straightforward labour and delivery. I wanted to breastfeed, but it didn’t happen and that left me feeling like a failure. The jump from one to two children was also a shock to my system. Trying to get anything done became a huge task. I wasn’t enjoying being a mum and I felt like I was on autopilot, just going through the motions. When I finally admitted that I needed help, my GP prescribed anti-depressants. Counselling wasn’t discussed or offered. Looking back I can see the pressure that I put myself under to do it all and do it perfectly. I told very few people of my struggles, thinking that I would be judged, after all what did I have to be unhappy about. I had two healthy children, a loving husband and a supportive family.

“My own experience has led to my passion for perinatal mental health. Twelve years on and now with three children (aged 14, 12 and 10) Iam Senior Counsellor at CrossReach’s Bluebell Perinatal Service in Glasgow. As a society we underestimate the huge life transition that a baby brings. We focus on the practicalities and the baby ‘stuff’ that we need and ignore the emotional transition that also occurs. Yes, being a parent is wonderful, but it is also scary, and exhausting and no amount of preparation ever fully equips you for the reality of it.

“At Bluebell we understand that. We support expectant and new parents (with a child under three) with their mental health by offering weekly counselling sessions. Our specialist perinatal counsellors can offer a safe space to help and support you if you are experiencing anxiety, depression, low self-esteem or any negative feelings before or after having a baby. We know that struggling with your mental health does not mean that you love your baby any less. Asking for help is the bravest thing that you can do and benefits both you and your baby. Investing in your mental health is also an investment in your relationship with your child and also in their mental health.”

Christian Aid is marking Mother’s Day with a special dedication page this year. Called ‘With Love on Mothering Sunday’ it gives supporters a very special way to pay a personal tribute to an amazing mother, grandmother or woman whose love shaped their life.

“For some people, especially those who’ve lost their mum, Mothering Sunday can feel particularly raw and empty,” says Katie Mathers, In Memory Officer, Christian Aid.

“But doing something meaningful, in their mother’s memory, can help turn those feelings of loss into something positive that celebrates their life. Christian Aid has created a Mothering Sunday dedication page which allows people to share a personal tribute and a photo of their loved one online, while making a gift to support Christian Aid’s work with communities living in extreme poverty. For people like Isobel from Edinburgh, whose mum Anne was a Christian Aid supporter all her life, giving in  her memory felt like an expression of love, “My mother was the most amazing woman,” says Isobel. “We were very much reminded of all she was and all she did in her life when she died. She very much believed in family and friendship, and her Christian faith meant a lot to her. She saw loving our neighbours and making the world a better place as something that everyone had a responsibility to be part of,” Isobel remembers. “I know Mum would be happy that donations in her memory are going beyond her life to make a difference to the fullness of life for others.”

To reach the dedication page, use this link: caid.org.uk/motheringsunday24