‘I was given this priceless gift’

Thomas Baldwin meets songwriter and worship leader Steph Macleod and learns more about his struggle with addiction and recovery and the importance of faith.

THIS is not the story I was expecting when I requested an interview with Steph Macleod, the big-bearded, tattooed singer who appeared frequently on the BBC’s Reflections at the Quay during the Covid-19 lockdown.

His background is public knowledge – how he was rescued from homelessness and addiction by Bethany Christian Trust, subsequently found Jesus and went on to become one of Scotland’s best-known Christian songwriters and worship leaders.

But the story doesn’t end there. Steph’s struggles during lockdown, which he is speaking about publicly for the first time, are a reminder of how difficult the past two and a half years have been for some people who struggle with their mental health.

“It’s been a difficult season,” he says, with extreme understatement. “I’d just had a visa for touring in the States approved in the first week of lockdown, and my itinerary was wiped out. Suddenly the priority was looking after the children, and we were living in the middle of nowhere, and I wasn’t able to connect with the recovery groups I was involved in. My wife was working from home for the NHS, and there was a lot of stress financially, and over a period of 18 months I just found my mental health slipping.

“We moved back to Edinburgh and things were better, but I found it hard to go outside and engage. Eventually my health deteriorated to the point I was very suicidal.”

Following a ‘short but very destructive’ relapse into drinking in September 2021, Steph was picked up by a group of friends and spent 10 weeks in hospital, where he received help back into recovery as well as treatment for trauma and stress.

He says the process of picking up the pieces from that has been about staying connected with his friends and support network, and learning to be more selfcaring. “Developing the relationship with myself is the hardest one,” he says. “It’s tough to be kind to yourself when you’re carrying shame and guilt from things that happened in the past.”

He has undeniably been through more than most.

Growing up in Musselburgh in the 1980s, he was the only child in a loving family, but always ‘an anxious kid who struggled to make friends and fit in’. As a teenager, he attended a Christian youth club in Musselburgh with his friends, and was also taken to church by his grandmother on the Isle of Lewis – “If I was really well-behaved they would sing the last song in English” - and was just at the point of ‘beginning to explore the possibility of Jesus being real and considered making a commitment’ when his parents separated and he began drinking.

“I was 15 and I found it a very difficult time emotionally. I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it. And it was around that time when people were starting to try alcohol, and I tried it and it changed the way I felt. But it progressed very quickly to the point where I was using it to change the way I felt on a regular basis.

“And one night I was at a party, the wrong place at the wrong time, and I was attacked and nearly lost my life. And after that I was just terrified of everything [much later, he was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder], and that’s when my alcoholism and drug use increased exponentially.

“I was at the City of Edinburgh specialist music school at Broughton High School, which was wonderful, but during my last year at school I was drinking far more than my friends were and I actually lost a lot of friends because of my behaviour.”

A successful audition to study classical guitar at the Royal Scottish Academy of Music and Drama offered the chance of a fresh start, but the student lifestyle made it easy for him to hide the extent of his problems. “The truth is it never dawned on me that my drinking was an issue. I just could not stand sitting in my emotions that were so overwhelming.

“I was very insecure and terrified of everything. I was on anti-depressants by the time I was 19, and there were a couple of suicide attempts which, looking back, seemed like the only solution to the emotional pain I was in.”

Nevertheless he managed to complete university and went travelling for a while, which only increased his alcohol usage even further. “I was not a nice guy, looking back. I hurt a lot of people, I would be dishonest much of the time, I stole from people, begged on the streets – quite self-destructive, but you’ll go to any lengths to feed your addiction. ”

"At Bethany, he found safety, warmth and food – and one night, when they invited him to an evening of music and testimony in Perth, he also found Jesus.

By the age of 24, he was homeless, sofa-surfing or sleeping rough. He could have gone back to his mother or father on condition that he stayed sober, which he wasn’t willing to do, and his aggressive behaviour when drunk had got him banned from a lot of homeless hostels.

He hit rock bottom in the winter of 2005-06, which was when he reached out to Bethany Christian Centre, a homeless hostel for men struggling with addiction. “They saved my life, without a doubt,” he says. “That winter was so difficult, the cold was horrendous. It wasn’t so much about staying warm but staying dry, because if you get wet you’re finished, you know? I’d wake up in hospital a lot, and I was arrested sometimes and locked up.

“And I just thought ‘I’m absolutely done’, and I started phoning round, and Bethany was one of the numbers that a family member had given to me. And they took me in on February 13 2006. I remember the date for two reasons – England beat Scotland at rugby, which isn’t unusual, but I wasn’t able to drink because Bethany is a dry house, so it was the first night’s sleep without a drink I’d had in I can’t remember how long.”

At Bethany, he found safety, warmth and food – and one night, when they invited him to an evening of music and testimony in Perth, he also found Jesus. “It was at a hotel called the Station Inn, and there was singing, there was a lovely meal, and then a Church of Scotland minister called Cammy Mackenzie [now minister of Edinburgh: Tron Kirk Gilmerton and Moredun] stood up and shared his testimony. And he spoke about his life, and how he’d overcome addiction and had been in prison, and how he’d given his life to Jesus.

"He gave us an opportunity to pray, and I was really frightened but I went forward and prayed, and I just remember thinking to myself ‘God, I just want a life worth living, and if that means following you then I’m in, all the way’.

“He gave us an opportunity to pray, and I was really frightened but I went forward and prayed, and I just remember thinking to myself ‘God, I just want a life worth living, and if that means following you then I’m in, all the way’. And I’m quite a sceptical guy, I tend not to believe something until I’ve experienced it, but when I prayed that prayer and invited God into my life I felt a sense of peace into my heart. It might not sound like a lot, but when you’ve been full of anxiety and low self-esteem your whole life it was just so overwhelming that I broke down and cried. It was the first time I’d cried sober since I was a kid, and I suddenly went from being a guy who thought he was the centre of the universe to feeling that I wasn’t alone, that I was alright.

“And that was the start of my journey.

I went back to the homeless hostel with nothing but the clothes on my back but a sense of gratitude and hope for the future.”

Within a week of becoming a Christian he had met his future wife, Jane, and stepson at a Bethany event. “She’s a very open, passionate Christian and she invited me to church. I’d never seen anybody so in love with God before, and that was one of the most beautiful things I’d ever seen. The friendship grew, and we started dating after a period and we got married in December 2006.” They have three children, now aged 9, 12 and 23.

And he also picked up a guitar again. “I’d pawned my guitar for money to pay off a debt – the guitar my mum and dad had spent a fortune on for university – but Bethany had a couple of guitars that were held together by the strings. And I did them up and I just started singing in my room. I’d never sung or written before, and I didn’t realise it at the time but it was a very therapeutic way to process the emotional and psychological difficulties I had going on.”

His introduction to Christian music came when his Bethany key worker, who was the bass player for a ministry called Origin Scotland, invited him to play guitar with them. “I loved the fact that we could play music which was about God. And Origin recorded an album and asked if I fancied writing a few songs for it, and I said ‘sure, I’ll give it a go’. And through that I was asked if I wanted to record my own album, and a Christian charity gave me a grant and I got help from a lot of churches and friends, and the rest is history – Ireleased my first album and went full-time with my music.”

That first album in 2010 has been followed by two more, as well as two with the Christian folk band Celtic Worship (he stepped down as frontman earlier this year) and collaborations with many other Christian artists.

He has also been determined to use his platform for good, working with mental health organisations and prison charities, as well as Christian organisations including Tearfund, IJM and Open Doors. “One of the greatest gifts we have is to connect with others and serve,” he says. “I wake up daily grateful, and with a sense of disbelief at times, that God could take a bum like me off the streets and give me a life worth living. And if He can do that for someone like me who am I to argue that he couldn’t do it for anyone?

“I read once that there’s two kinds of debt – one where you owe money, and the other kind where somebody gives you something to pass on. And I believe I was given this priceless gift in the form of the Gospel, which absolutely changed my life; and if I can serve and be an example and pass that on, then I will. All I can do is share my experience, and that is a beautiful thing.”

But it is partly an inability to say no to opportunities that got him back into trouble last year. “I went to the doctor and was advised to move away from certain things musically to focus more on health and reduce stress, but I didn’t have the ability to do that. I just wasn’t in the right headspace to be more self-caring and prioritise my health.

“It was kind of like I’d slipped back into that mindset of self where I was consumed with worry and not being able to see a way out. I knew God was there in the midst but I couldn’t see that because I was consumed by my own thoughts and feelings.”

Now, though, he says things are improving again. He is writing songs again, which will focus on his journey over the past year and his relationship with God both now and through the crisis.

He is also releasing a recording of Amazing Grace, made with churches, worship leaders and bands from around Scotland during lockdown for the National Prayer Breakfast. All proceeds will go to Bethany.

“I’m very grateful that I was able to get help in hospital and get a plan to move forward, and the support network I’ve got now is absolutely incredible. I’ve got some wonderful friends in my life and things are good in my family. Integrity [his record label] have been very supportive, and we’re taking things very, very slowly. I got to lead worship at a festival last week, which was the first time I’d done that in about a year.

“It’s been a process of just relying on God whole-heartedly again. I pray every morning and that sets me up, and I connect with people, get together with my mates and read the Bible, and try to do the best I can.”

Contact Bethany Christian Trust on 0131 561 8930 or info@bethanychristiantrust.com, or visit bethanychristiantrust.com

People struggling with low mood, anxiety or depression can contact Samaritans on 116 123, or email jo@samaritans.org (UK-wide), or Breathing Space on 0800 83 85 87 or webchat at breathingspace.scot (Scotland only).

"I wake up daily grateful, and with a sense of disbelief at times, that God could take a bum like me off the streets and give me a life worth living.