The Big Question

The Rev Monika Redman –minister at Dunfermline: St Leonard’s and now Urray and Kilchrist, Muir of Ord

The Rev Gert Janse van Rensburg, former minister at Udny and Pitmedden

The Rev Shuna Dicks, minister, at Cults Parish Church, near Aberdeen

“My initial thought, ‘Impacted, not an upbeat person like me who generally takes things as they come’.

“On further reflection, regardless of my sociable, chatty personality, I can’t say I was unscathed or ignore the emotional rollercoaster which ensued with the arrival of the Covid-19 lockdown seven weeks after my ordination and induction to my first charge.

“I knew I was where I was meant to be, but the short time span gave limited opportunity to establish relationships with my new church family, which emphasised the absence of in-person contact with ‘my ‘beautiful people’ – my family and friends who support me through everything, and truly are gifts from God.

“I felt the impact, in the shape of a plethora of tearful days, happy days, and a whole lot of variations on other days, but all with blessing to be found throughout.

As one passionate about singing, my indicator was whether I could sing or not; largely dependent on emotion or lack of conversation, and when I couldn’t I simply had to rely on my heart to sing.

“Personally, maintaining good mental health is being comfortable with myself as an emotional, spiritual being loved by God; to commune with Him, to go outside and enjoy the beauty of His creation and to be thankful for the infinite blessings He gives, particularly the people He places in my life who with love, encouragement and care top up my resilience level, to love others wherever I am, because He first loved me.”

“I don’t often think about my mental health, so I welcome this opportunity to reflect – the ‘unexamined life’ and all that!

“Getting to grips with Zoom, moving services and meetings online with the Ministerial Team at Edinburgh: Palmerston Place, spending a lot of time on the computer, filled the days at the start of lockdown. I was immensely grateful for this and for the current opportunity I enjoy leading Sunday worship at Edinburgh:

Broughton St Mary’s, which has given a focus to my week.

“We are lucky to have a garden and this with frequent local walks has helped maintain a sense of calm; reading and learning the piano too. Being in a babysitting bubble to look after our youngest grandchild has been fun whilst the care of elderly parents brought some challenges.

“Over a year passed without being able to visit though the nursing home quickly set up regular video calls.

“I’ve found it’s good to build some variety into each day, to guard against every day being the same. Worries could intensify at times and as a former prison chaplain I reflected on how anxious many people in custody became when restricted to limited space.

“I’ve tried to draw strength from Paul’s invitation to dwell on the positive: ‘Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.’ (Philippians 4:8 NIV)”

“Actually –I think it might have done it some good!

“At first, I was bereft. That first announcement: the thought of not being allowed to stand up and lead worship on Sunday ‘undid’ me. ‘Who was I?’ was my constant question that week…and the fact that I felt like that was just as perplexing!

“Since I was a questioning teenager, my ‘thing’ was that my identity is as a child of the Living God – beloved, safe, secure.

And now my core was rocked…clearly some work to do.

“Not that I saw it like that. I buried myself in adrenaline-fuelled activity. Closing down church actually is quite a complicated process. Then learning all the tech to imagine things differently sent my head spinning – lots of wonderful displacement activity! None of it wasted in God’s economy – but we may as well call it what it is!

“But as summer came, as Zoom worship settled into something deeply fulfilling, as I slowed down and discovered some really valuable materials and resources for everyone else, my world began to soften. We did a Bible overview that reminded me of the big picture within which I sit. We did the Prayer Course, and I learnt to settle myself again in the presence of God. We took tentative steps into tech – and I learned to be creative and brave.

“God is faithful, and I learnt that my mental health is both personal and inter-personal; what I said to everyone else, God said to me again: beloved, safe, secure.”

“The year was 2019 and my expectations and prospects were high. A big transition, leaving everything and everybody behind in South Africa and embarking on a completely new life journey, a leap of faith on my own with no support structure other than the new Church I joined. After 26 years of experience what could go wrong?

“Then the news came: Pandemic and lockdowns.

“Being a normal person, like everybody else, this hit me between the eyes.

“On your own and alone you start questioning everything. The two weeks to ‘flatten the curve’ became more than a year. Fear creeps everywhere into your armour. Your own voice become an enemy. Then mum’s words from home: ‘Will I ever see you again before I die?’

“The morning I woke up with the thought: ‘Is this all worthwhile?’ is the day I knew I needed help. To recognise that is the biggest step towards healing. I’ve put the TV off, silenced the constant negative news and started the journey back to mental health.

“I am so grateful for Ascend, the support and help were incredible, and I had to make a very difficult decision: I decided to demit from my parish church and return to South Africa for the time being. Spend time with mum, family, and friends, and heal. Then return, stronger and better for the journey ahead.

“There is no shame in recognising when you need help and I’ve learned: Help is available, don’t struggle on your own!”

“When lockdown was announced last March, I did what I always do in a crisis, I went into fix-it mode. If we could not gather for worship and people were going to be stuck at home then we had to ensure they were looked after and we had to ensure they had plenty to keep them fed spiritually. This kept me busy, and it kept me together at a time when I woke every morning for the first few months with that awful feeling of dread in my stomach.

“Things settled and life found a new rhythm, new hobbies, new ways of working and with that I felt so much better. I was still busy, but mentally I was in a much better place.

“At the end of March this year we lost our Dad suddenly and, for us as a family, it was an extremely stressful time as my parents had been due to move house just days after Dad died. As well as dealing with our grief we were dealing with a house move that had to be delayed. This was my lowest point. I was exhausted. Thankfully I was able to take a few weeks off on compassionate leave. This was a huge help as it gave me space to deal with everything. It also taught me a salient lesson. I needed to slow down. And I have. And I realise that my mental health is much better as a result.

“Thanks be to God.”