“After this harrowing time of seeing the breaking down of business and personal relationships, it seems to me nothing short of a miracle that so much progress could be achieved in eleven hours.

When we were all seated together, there was tension but eating and drinking together helped to break the ice. Thank you for bringing to their attention the fact that they both had the power to end this hurtful episode, take control of their lives and start afresh, all possible on that day.

It actually felt like a “Footsteps in the Sand occasion”.”

These words, taken from a beautiful letter I received from someone involved in the process we call mediation, reaffirm the power of bringing people together and providing them with a safe and private space in which to deal with some of life’s most difficult situations.

Much of my work as a mediator involves significant commercial disputes. And yet the human issues which arise in business problems are often very similar to those which arise in personal, family and church conflict. Some things, it seems, are universal: feelings of hurt and shame, loss of face, lack of recognition, distrust, breakdown in important relationships, miscommunication – or no communication at all. In my work, the words I hear most often are these: “Why didn’t we have this conversation a year ago?”

We know that there are many reasons for people avoiding difficult conversations. Our brains are wired to protect us from danger. Our basic, primal, fight or flight response to perceived threats still works today; only we apply it now to the pain which we experience in our social interactions as we once did when facing physical danger. Avoidance is often the result.

We also make assumptions about others and attribute fault or blame to them even if, were we in similar circumstances, we would expect to be treated kindly. We miss things, even the most obvious, as our minds filter out information which is inconsistent with the pictures we have built up as a result of our own preconceptions, previous experiences, biases and judgments. As someone once said: “It’s not our differences that separate us, but our judgments about each other.” And modern science tells that most of this is unconscious! In one sense, we can’t help it.

In politics, as in so much of life, we operate in a binary, dualistic way. Yes/No, In/Out, Leave/Remain, Right/Wrong, Black/White, Us/Them. As the thoughtful Franciscan priest and writer Richard Rohr suggests, we need to apply non-dualist thinking if we are to navigate this increasingly uncertain, ambiguous, paradoxical world. Indeed, he writes, Jesus was probably the first non-dualist thinker. Jesus’ embrace of the marginalised, the poor, the path of non-violence rather than conventional power and putting other’s interests before his own, were as revolutionary and counter-cultural then as they are now. He understood that, in reality, there is no us and them, only us.

Our struggle with all of this is why we often need help in everyday difficulties.

A truly independent, skilled and trusted third party who listens to stories in private and confidentially, helping others to understand different perspectives, can be a real asset when the protagonists in a dispute cannot resolve things by themselves. We call such a person a mediator. He or she can help people to avoid or bring to an end the cost (in time, stress, breakdown in relationships, loss of new opportunities and, of course, money) which conflict can bring, whether that be in recourse to a court, a tribunal, disciplinary procedures, or publicity. Sometimes, the greatest cost is simply the prolonged pain and fatigue when something is gnawing away under the surface, unresolved.

On a national and global level, we see unresolved conflict expressed in civil unrest, mass migration and war. Recently, I had the privilege of working in Nairobi with leaders in the South Sudanese church, in a project led by former Moderator, the Very Rev Dr John Chalmers. To watch as John washed the feet of one of the few women present from South Sudan was to re-learn the power, for us all, of humility, vulnerability and love. And yet, these wonderful, thoughtful people live in an atmosphere of violence, hatred and tribal conflict. We discussed what it takes to overcome this. Love your enemies?

But what does that mean in practice when your family has had to flee its home in the face of unspeakable acts of violence?

We considered the importance of gaining a real understanding of what is going on under the surface. We cannot just treat the symptoms. What are the underlying causes, the real hopes, fears, concerns, needs, aspirations, values and motivations of those involved? To find out, we need to ask really good, open questions, without judging or pre-empting the answers, and then listen, really listen, to what is being said in response – and to what lies in the margins. Maybe that is why Jesus tended to ask questions when challenged. He wanted people to work out the answers for themselves.

Exploring what is really going on and then considering the options for moving forward is usually very fruitful. However, most of us want to jump to a solution quickly, to fix things, to provide an instant remedy. In doing so, we cut corners and often miss the real issues – and opportunities.

In churches, no less than in any other institution, we can fall into these traps. But we know that our brains have the capacity to hold our prehistoric responses in check. It takes effort and a willingness to accept that there are nearly always two (or more) sides to nearly all stories, that “they” may be a right as “we” are. That requires courage and taking responsibility. We have learned that evolution depends upon cooperation rather than mere survival of the fittest. We are likely to thrive as a species only by working together, whatever we may think of others’ views. If we don’t, climate change, migration, severe economic disturbances and inward-looking xenophobia may bring about our collective demise. It’s a tough call. But we are, after all, called to follow He who understood all of this best.

In the run up to the referendum on independence, Collaborative Scotland proposed this Commitment to Respectful Dialogue:

• Show respect and courtesy towards all those who are engaged in our discussions, whatever views they hold;

• Acknowledge that there are many differing, deeply held and valid points of view;

• Use language carefully and avoid personal or other remarks which might cause unnecessary offence;

• Listen carefully to all points of view and seek fully to understand what concerns and motivates those with differing views from our own;

• Ask questions for clarification when we may not understand what others are saying or proposing;

• Express our own views clearly and honestly with transparency about our motives and our interests;

• Respond to questions asked of us with clarity and openness and, whenever we can, with credible information;

• Look for common ground and shared interests at all times.

Perhaps we would all gain if we committed ourselves to endeavour to behave in these ways. And the churches too can surely put away childish things and help lead the way.

John Sturrock QC

“Exploring what is really going on and then considering the options for moving forward is usually very fruitful. However, most of us want to jump to a solution quickly, to fix things, to provide an instant remedy. In doing so, we cut corners and often miss the real issues – and opportunities.

John Sturrock QC is chief executive and senior mediator with Core Solutions and was involvement in the initial establishment of the Place for Hope initiative.